Excited Local 'Cures World Disease'

A 40-year-old Brisbane man has recently claimed to have found a cure for all diseases known to mankind, according to a press release issued earlier today in the form of an internet letter. When interviewed, Rico Wilhelm was jubilant about his scientific breakthrough, but was also somewhat disappointed that his discovery had not yet revolutionized the fields of medicine, immunology, biomedical science, engineering, and germ warfare.

In the release, Mr Wilhelm claims that he has invented a new device which will “eradicate all animals with the capacity to carry germs and infect their human overlords.” Apparently the new device works by trapping germ-carriers and preventing them from being alive, using a technique referred to by the inventor as ‘killing’. Although the process of ‘killing animals’ was invented over 20 years ago, Wilhelm believes he has transformed this technique to such an extent that it can now be effectively introduced in the war against germs.

Image of the tools required to construct Mr Wilhelm's 'germ-trap'

“Well, basically, I’ve made a fly trap. But it’s really great ’cause you can make it out of old stuff, and it catches flies real good, ya know? And flies carries germs and stuff, so if the flies are dead, where are the germs? They’re gone, that’s where.”

Wilhelm believes that his trap can also be adapted to catch and kill any small germ-laden animal, and that it can be constructed by anyone with an IQ higher than 52. While creating the prototype, Wilhelm knew he was making something that would change the history of the world. He quickly posted instructions on his blog telling people how to recreate his engineering masterpiece, in the hope that others would “get on board”.

“Basically I just wanted to tell the world that we no longer need to be scared of germs. People can just go to my internet web log and make the darn thing themselves. Together I think we can really beat this thing.”

The soon-to-be-eradicated swine flu virus

Instructions on how to build the trap have been freely available for two weeks, yet diseases continue to exist. When asked to explain this anomaly, Wilhelm appeared confused, until the meaning of the word ‘anomaly’ was explained in simple English.

“Basically I don’t know why there’s still disease. My trap should kill them all, really. Maybe some communists are releasing some new ones or something – perhaps the government is doing something wrong. I could sure use some more funding. Hey, you got any burritos?”

When asked how the invention would eradicate heart disease and shingles, Mr Wilhelm laughed, started choking, and begged for a glass of water.

Sources have reported that the ectomorph is still optimistic that his invention will have a profound effect on human history, and has already asked his credit card company to change the pedestrian title of ‘Mr’ preceding his name to ‘Sir’. Wilhelm’s wife would not comment on her husband’s technological breakthrough, but was heard muttering something about an insufferable know-it-all, and plans to move or travel to Bermuda.


Want to know more about germs? Here’s a link to a blog I found about germs with an excerpt below:

“The thought of catching a cold and then getting cancer is horrifying. Such a scenario has come a big step closer – A British scientist in Birmingham tried to make new mutant super-bugs out of human cancer genes and viruses closely related to strains causing common cold.”

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5 thoughts on “Excited Local 'Cures World Disease'

  1. wait. was that me that asked that?

    anyway. this is an excellent post, of course. except there is a spelling error int he last paragraph. poor stuff, rico.

  2. what i meant to say last time, except i had to rush off, was: it’s like the onion written by shaun micallef.

    waht are you up to anyway? haven’t had any emails from you lately and i am BOOOORED out of my brain. hey did you hear back about the masters courses? hey maybe i should just email you hey? hay.

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